You have an awful memory and I need remind you:
Nick has just as strange a laugh as you do. You don’t see him often but his heart is bright and being around him feels warm. His jokes are awful but you laugh anyway. Not like work, not like when a stranger says something that isn’t funny and you want to be polite. You laugh because he is not funny to a fault and he knows it and remains himself anyway. You laugh because there is something magical and beautiful about someone who is so unappologetically himself as you are. His wife makes weed brownies and calls you a pussy when you decline, but she doesn’t think you’re a pussy. She’s as hard edged and boiled as the rest of you, and though you see her just as rarely, she feels as if she’d never not been one with you and the group. Jacob is just the player as ever. The women still like his smile and when he turns a phrase or makes That face at “It slipped in my mouth,” you remember any ounce of fun or boyish charm is borrowed from him. Its close to two am and now everyones at rest. Tomorrow will be an eve and end but only feels like a beginning. You never quite feel home or well with anyone or anywhere. But this moment you feel right.
Isn’t it strange that she reminds you of someone you’ve never met before. So silent and full of storms. There’s something violent in the quiet of her eyes. Two coals that look like they’re crying at the sun. Her smile has a frown in it and the way she scoffs at tall talk tells she’s either hard or critical of happiness. People are talking and glasses are clinking and the diner is spinning but the rock of the world was founded securely on her freckled cheek. You asked her name and she took your hand, wrote down CAROLINE in bold black marker. “You know. So you won’t forget again.” She had said and the coals flashed a cool grin. She liked to bite at heels. You could play that game. If you had a tail it would have been wagging.
Her laugh was magic.
You allow yourself a moment.
Sanguine is sappy and happiness is so very fickle. Even now with ones you love and your hearts belonging you feel that nag. That tinge of melancholy. You almost washed it down in a bottle and neglect but remembered September and that trying to forget begets nothing. You allow yourself a moment to be somber on the deck while that familiar grey and sully cloud thunders over you. The air is mint and smarts with cold, and as you breathe out you expected to find yourself the same color as your mourning. But you were not. You see Caroline give you the finger from the window and Jacob makes the motion of a shakeweight. And then the music rises and fills you with warmth, you return to the merry as a friend and not a stranger.
The din of conversation and cheerful embracing has ended to a soft 4am silence and grim affair. You got a text wishing you the best and a happy new year full holding loaded sentiments between ellipses. Dot dot dots saying more than they could admit to. Ex oh ex oh ex oh’s and a smiley face from a number you always recognize. A number that comes screeching from the past and tugging you back every year and time she’s hurt and needs your love. Interpersonal become savage like mogwais if you feed them after midnight.
“New year new you?” Caroline chimed from the reflection of your cell phone. Words you mocked on a Facebook status and Instagram as the sure signs of a try hard. The coals in her eyes are heavy but that fire just doesn’t die. Its what you will always love and remember about her.
Caroline took a seat beside you on the step, a drag off your cigarette, and a slice of your heart in her hand when she lay her golden head against your shoulder. She will be your last Maybe of 2015, the final chapter of a dark saga you feel merits a happy ending.
“You talk too much.” You said.
“Oh yeah? Shut me up then tough guy.”
And you did.